Thrillist: “Florida’s awfulness résumé is so staggeringly impressive that it couldn’t go any other way. You were born for this. Embrace it.”

By Howard Cohen | The Miami Herald

Florida ranks dead last when it comes to rating the best states in the nation. Michigan ranks No. 1, the very best state in the union.

Let that sink in for awhile. Michigan, the state that gave us the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock (the poor man’s Ted Nugent), is 49 states better than Florida.

Thrillist’s Definitive and Final Ranking of All 50 States list ranked the states “based on everything.” Specifically, the states’ contributions to America, like inventions, food and drink, “somewhat productive famous people,” and unique physical beauty, among other things.

SEE THE LIST HERE>>THE DEFINITIVE AND FINAL RANKING OF ALL 50 STATES

Guess Mr. 305 Pitbull isn’t productive enough for Thrillist’s tastes.

Florida, the state that gave the nation a mathematics lesson in the 2000 president election, the state that has the best subs in the nation (thanks, Publix) and the state that gave us the Florida Man Twitter feed.

The worst.

That’s according to Thrillist, the website that most recently anointed the Publix sub as the country’s best. Win some and lose some, we guess.

So what’s wrong with Florida?

Everything, the site said.

“When putting together a list such as this, there can be some temptation to defy popular expectations, and go against the grain. However, Florida’s awfulness résumé is so staggeringly impressive that it couldn’t go any other way,” Thrillist wrote. “You were born for this. Embrace it.”

By contrast, Michigan, Thrillist rhapsodizes, “has more coastline than any state other than Alaska?”

So have you had the desire to go swimming in Michigan — or Alaska lately?

Alaska, by the way, ranked high up at No. 16, touted for “rogue bears and/or Palins” and its salmon. Big deal. We can get salmon from Publix’s frozen food shelf. We have Joe’s Stone Crab in South Beach.

Michigan was also hailed for its “embarrassment of beer riches.” Ah, hell. We’re not embarrassed by the beer riches at Coral Gables’ Titanic Brewery.

Joining Florida in the bowels of the country: Delaware, Ohio, Arizona, Utah and Mississippi.

Just under Michigan as the best of the best: Maine, Kentucky, Wisconsin and Louisiana.